Tilling the Soil

Experiment time! I’m drafting up a list of people on my dry-erase board that I can remember in loving-kindness meditation.

If you’ve never done loving-kindness meditation, it basically involves the meditator calling to mind a person and wishing them happiness, freedom from suffering, etc.

If you’d like to be a part, reply or send me a message, even if we’ve never met! Be sure to tell me a bit about yourself or what you’re going through. Let’s take suffering on together, shall we?

This week Upaya decided to ask my friends Mona and Jesse to leave. I’ve engaged enough conflict to know that my anger and restlessness were products of a limited view, so I spoke with several long-term residents about their decision.

I do have more compassion for all parties involved, but I certainly still do not respect their decision. As I sat in zazen this evening, I noted something that was a bit of a surprise: it wasn’t the loving-kindness I was shooting for, but instead a deep sense of mourning.

After the acceptance of what is to come, a cloud of sadness has rolled through our sangha, even covering those who called for this. I’m going to miss them both so much. I doubt there are two people I feel closer to here.

So there’s this story about a cute little bunny that freaks out when an apple drops on its head. He tweaks out and runs through the forest telling everyone the sky is falling and the animals all join his stampede. Soon, as the earth shakes with the feet of the masses, a resting lion happens to be in their way. Seeing their distress, he lets out a massive roar so ferocious that it stops all the animals in their tracks.

Long story short, the lion questions the animals and they all realize their misunderstanding. Long story super short, the lion goes on to be born Siddhartha Gautama.

I use this story today because I strongly disagree with a major decision that Upaya’s upper management has made. We’ll all meet tomorrow at council to discuss it, but I am positive that I will be unable to sit in a room with people I respect and remain silent over an issue that I clearly do not. Today, it seems that in the name of ethics, I may only be heard in council if I roar. Challenge accepted.

I’ve hesitated quite a bit to post this piece. I wrote a some bullet points on things that have changed for me since I’ve been here- wonderful realizations and practices that have kept me happy and eager for more days at Upaya. I hesitate because I don’t think I want my practice to be about goal-setting or some perceived end result. That said, I’m posting it for the sake of gratitude at all that I’ve learned here!

In under three months at Upaya Zen Center I have:

• learned just how poorly I have treated myself, and I have been able to slow down the mental chatter and berating.
• discovered that my efforts to become have grossly neglected who I am currently.
• learned to continually ask “Who I am?” and to understand that the only real answer is in this present moment, but that there will never quite be a label for boundlessness.
• trained myself not to humor the stories about difficult emotions, but to turn inward to truly sense and sit with the physiological manifestations of the mind.
• learned that compassion is not something I can train directly but rather a natural response and reaction of training concentration, openness, and fearlessness.
• seen just how wonderful the mind truly is- all of reality as we experience it is nothing other than this mind.
• deconstructed the mind that wants to defend, argue, or take a position, but rather build one that observes impartially and with humor and curiosity.
• engaged the balance between both community and individuality.

This list really could go on and on. Truthfully, I had to rewrite this as my computer erased it, but it’s late and I’m sleeeeeepy.

On a more practical level, I’ve been in constant communion with all of nature here. I’ve taken on responsibility and stood up for everything I hold dear. I have sewn the seeds to work in the prisons and constantly cultivate a person who is focused on universal freedom and happiness. Life’s awesome.